|
[17 Sep 2007|09:45pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 thoughtful |
] |
I started playing tennis at the beginning of the summer and it has been the biggest conversions for me. Every time I play something happens. I am either totally happy afterwards or I cry. All the ideas that I am not good enough, no one wants to play with me and all that crap. And it just amazes me that I start crying and I don't even have a real reason, it is just very ridiculous. I am looking for some satisfaction outside of myself to tell me that I am ok, that I am lovable and loved. It is amazing right now how emotional I am. And how it all can change within a second. I am very glad for tennis, it is the first sport that I have ever done, and sometimes I am just scared. iwhen I play I just have to completely focus and not think of what had happened before, otherwise I will not hit the ball right. in that sense it is a complete mind training, I can't play when I am not completely free in my mind. So I have to let go all the time. I am just contemplating well, I am the worst player of all of my friends, just because I am the only one who just started, all of them have played before and somehow I always forget about that, I just think that it is boring to play with me and that really hurts and the funny thing is that I thought the same at at my very first game and it will only change the moment I change my mind. I mean they are still playing with me, I am playing every day and I am still doubting, that they don't want to play with me, how insane can I get. So it was good to express this just to see my insanity very clearly and get over it.
|
|
| peaceful |
[01 Oct 2006|09:18pm] |
|
I feel really peaceful right now. And I really like it. In the moment when I let go of everything I am placed into the hands of God and he can really take care of me. All anxiety, fear, just flows away. I am so grateful. This really works. A Course in Miracles really works.
|
|
| A Course In Miralces |
[22 Sep 2006|08:36pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
vulnarable |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
poses |
] |
A Course In Miracles tells me very clearly you are either going to be right or happy. I usually want to be both. I do not want to admit defeat. I want to hold on to my ideas with everything that I am. I get angry and I can't stop my tears. And all my mind is doing is finding new justifications that I am right. I am so addicted to having it my way, to hold on to ideas, to being right. I am so glad that I have the Course in Miracles that offers me a clear direction and an experience that does not come from me and that has nothing to do with all of my ideas about being right or wrong. It is just a clear cut message from out of time. Offering me everything right here and now. How incredible that is – I have no words, just gratitude.
|
|
| A Course In Miracles |
[14 Sep 2006|12:06am] |
|
A Course In Miracles offers me a direct way to my source. Why search around in vain, when the thing that I am looking for is inside me. Right here at the point that I never want to look. I have made all those beautiful things and distractions outside of myself, just to keep from myself that I am the one that I have been looking for. Juhu the search is over!!!!!!!!!!!!
|
|
| When I am healed I am not healed alone |
[17 May 2005|03:18pm] |
|
When I am healed I am not healed alone. There is only one of us. So the only way I can save the world is let myself be healed in its entirety. The holy spirit is doing that for me I just have to let him. thank you father it is so easy. thank you I am so grateful. grateful for this course for jesus and the 12 steps that get me out of here in an instant I am leaving. thank you thank you thank you I love you.
|
|
| No answers |
[16 May 2005|04:57pm] |
|
There are no answers to this condition. There is no hope here. No matter how happy I am it is never because of anything here - but because I am not here. Now I don´t have to fix anything anymore, I am free to be who I am and I am expressing that in every way. Now I can love and now I can bless the world. you are the light of the world.
|
|
| Happy Valentinesday! |
[14 Feb 2005|12:37pm] |
|
Love - - what does it mean - I had a self hate attack this morning - only because I have a headache and the article that I wrote last week wasn't as good as I wanted it to be. I never give myself that learning time. I always want to know everything now. Then I released that none of those reasons were justified and that god loves me exactly as I am. It was so relieving and in that moment I could be of help to my friends. Before I was totally turned in on my self and just wallowed in self-pity wich feels absolutely disgusting and I am so glad I can give it to the holy spirit to take care of all of that and be healed instantly. I am so absolutley grateful, just to be free. I love you. I love myself and now I can offer anyone my help and be truly helpful wherever I go. That was what I always wanted.
|
|
| I am so greatful! |
[23 Jan 2005|09:27pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 grateful |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
norah jones |
] |
I haven't posted for a long while. But one of you guys invited me back. and I am so grateful for that. It's like the life that I lived before is totaly gone and a brand new continuum offered me a total new me. Without the selfgratifications - but just with the knowlegde of who I really am. I am so grateful that I can escape this world now - by giving up attack thoughts - that's the lesson for today from a Course in Miracles - and it offered me the total freedom of my mind - I didn't have to crunch down into my own meaningless grievenses but just stay out of time and operate from a different percpective. from the point in my mind where everything is allready done - over and done - free. vicilence and mindtraining - it works. I am so grateful - I am so grateful for you - I have to go and finish my desing homework. But i'll be back
I love you
|
|
| everything is brand new everyday! |
[19 Apr 2004|06:04pm] |
I just saw the film 50 first dates!
it is about a girl that lost the short term memory in an car
accident. so she relives day after day october 13 her dad's birthday,
the day of the accident. so everybody around her ajusted totaly to
her. her dad and brother everyday paint the walls white for her to
paint it again and have to eat the birthday cake and sing happy
birthday and have to see the sixth sense with lucy. because very
night her meories get wiped out and she finds herself on the same day
again. until a guy shows up that falls in love with her. he makes a
tape that she can watch every morning to tell her about the accident
and what happend to her. it is an incredbile movie. and in a sense we
are like her. every morning we have to remember who we really are
otherwise we have to relive the same moment over and over. that's why
we gather every morning to remember that we are the holy son of god.
that we are still as god created us. and that we are only love.
|
|
| gemometical resurrection |
[28 Feb 2004|10:41pm] |
these are only some ruff notes of my revelation today so they might or might not make sense.......
not only the movie passion of christ but also the nessesity in my mind to take jesus`s stroy really personal and relive the resurection with himn in every moment and stay in the relvelation of my mind, made me think of the I hope I can make a picture of it on the computer and present it. anyway it is a horiyontal accurance that gets speed up and is brought into vertical through the miracle of giving when you recognize that giever and receier are one. my mind is spinning with ideas and they are hard to get on paper it is a mind strech to draw the resurection and fell it in the same moment and let yourself be filled by it. you get lifed up aboeve the battle field. jesus resurrection is occuring to you don´t see yourself outside it. it is a dying, a fylling into your own black hole. your bottom out your total devestation. the ordeal where you can go through because you trust in god you have the trust in a power greater than yourseld. and in that moment you get lifted up and time and space dissapear and have no meaning whatsoever anymore. and everything that you thought you were dissapears int he timelssness and formlessness of what you truly are. you are free. and that is very fearfull for your ego that wants to hold on to the thing that it made and established as itsel. let yourslef dy right now and ressurect into the certainty of yourself. you always knew perfectly well who you are.
|
|
| serving |
[26 Feb 2004|03:18pm] |
|
there is no happiness without giving yourself away. so when I was all contained in myself this morning when I woke up I hated this world and condemned everyone - I knew it was just in my head and stared to ask for help. so I got the opportunity to cook lunch for us all and then clean the house. it was incredible how happy I got when I didn´t think about myself so much. but just gave myself away. I was free in that and everyone could share my experience of happiness and the resulting good food and clean house with me. so salvation is really easy - give yourself away. and if you perceive something as missing in a situation - it is missing because you haven´t given it. everything starts with you. this whole world started with you and now it is waiting for you to be released.
|
|
| Happy!!!!!!!!!!! |
[25 Feb 2004|09:48pm] |
|
I am just really happy! that happiness does not come from a person or an act that I performed and now I am proud. it comes from deep within. the place in me where there is no lake. and no opposite for that matter. where only love resides. were everything is forgiven and all the guilt is gone - dissolved into nothing that it always was. now the question - why did I do this unto myself? and the only prayer - Jesus save me from myself. Now the declaration for my freedom I do not want to project all my thought unto innocent projections that have nothing to do with reality. I want to know myself and recognize you through my forgiveness. I honestly want to know who you truly are - so I can know who I am. I want to love you how I want to be loved. and I want to set you free how I want to be free.
|
|
| opposites! |
[24 Feb 2004|08:26pm] |
it is really amaying that everything you think is based on opposites. everything that you think of yourself contains it`s opposite. so if you think you are beautiful at the same time you that thaught contains that you are ugly. so a s long as I am caught in my thought I can`t realize the thing that I really am. so the course in miralce teaches as to go behond all opposites. the only thing that has no opposites is love. fogivness gives me a new view of myelsf and lets me recognize who i really am and who you really are. and that has nothing to do with any opposites but is pure love.
it´s the controversity that goes on in my mind all the tim, were my doing and my thinking is not one, what causes all the pain. the question all the time is why? what for? it does absolutly not matter what I am doing, as long as I do it totaly. jesus said love they lord with all thy heart, mind and soul. so I want to love everything that I do with all my soul all my heart and all my mind. so there is no oppositein me. because I am only love and I can share that with you and it is a process of integration. it is so liberating. I am free.
|
|
| liquid expression |
[12 Feb 2004|08:21pm] |
everything is expression. flowing out. words. and when there are gone - no memory. no past. just being what I am right now. I am not observing the thing that I think I am but be the expression of god himself. that feels liquid like water. there is nothing to hold on to, nothing to crab or have a reference for. just love flowing through me.
there is no concept to express the joy and freedom of letting go of everything that I think that I am and be the gentleness of my creation. it has nothing to do with a concept it is an experience so deep no words can reach the magnitude
|
|
| my favorit prayer |
[26 Jan 2004|04:55pm] |
|
"Father, You stand before me and behind, beside me, in the place I see myself, and everywhere I go. You are in all the things I look upon, the sounds, I hear, and everyh and that reaches for my own. In You time disappears, and place becomes a meaningless believe. For what surrounds YourS on and keeps him safe is Love Itself, There is no Source but This, and nothing is that does not share Its holiness; that stands beyond Your one creation, or without the Love Which holds all things within Iteself. Father, Your Son is like Yourself. We come to You in Your Own Name today, to be at peace within Your everlasting Love."
|
|
| revelation |
[23 Jan 2004|09:31pm] |
wow what a long day. I am the holy son of god himself. and every time I am not happy, I deny myself this inheritance. i saw today that I would use anything, to keep everybody separate from me, hold a grievance against them and be unhappy. in that I try to get attention - that I think is not there otherwise. but exactly the opposite occurs. if I am pissed of, I close myself of from everything - and than I justify the reactions of my friends as not loving or ignorant... but it is always me that is projects that out wards, in truth I want to feel exactly as I am and no one can changed that. when I think a situation is lacking in something it is because I haven't given.
I just love everybody that is around me and shows me where I am in my mind and helps me to change my mind to be happy and be truly the son of god. thank you.
|
|
| just one of those days! |
[11 Jan 2004|08:39pm] |
my alarm clock went off at 7:30, thinking 5 more minutes I pressed the button...when I opened my eyes again it was 11:44 fuck - I have to be at work in 6 minutes - we just had a meeting there and the boss talked about the FUCK YOU attitude of the guys that always come to late - toooooooooo bad------I just thought fuck you...
10 minutes later I got there still half asleep. the first thing my co worker said was the lesson of the day: "my meaningless thoughts are showing me a meaningless world" I wiped the tears out of my face and started to laugh - it is all just a dream. I see my hand that means - I don't exist and I am dreaming - so there is no need to feel guilty or anything else. there is just one way to get happy here to forgive yourself in every moment.
|
|
|
[10 Jan 2004|09:26pm] |
|
it's freezing coled - but there is still no world, doesn't matter what I make out of it - it still stays just a dream - isn't that funny. I create myself all those dramas that I think I have to participate and than even suffer - and when it is over I can just laugh and recognize that I wanted that exactly that way. that is the only way that I can forgive myself. oh sorry I made a mistake - ups I did it again - but GOD is still GOD an the thing that you are hasen't changed a bit - with you dreaming away in exile. it's time to go home.
|
|
| BACK!!! |
[06 Jan 2004|11:11pm] |
|
WOW I can't even believe it that it has been almost half a year that I haven't written. I have been gone again - to colombia on teaching tour. It was amazing. The light has come. I have forgiven the world. THere was a lot of conversion in me. I have to clean up my act. not play that game of being Martina anymore - hurting myself by being the self-identity I made. Rather than being how gad created me - and that is only love - my natural inheritance. If I can't feel that, I know I am relying on myself again and I can change my mind in sink into his love again - knowing that he carries me and takes care of me when I let him. Life gets easy that way. It is an moment to moment asking for help and being guided. That is my absolute certainty that that guidance is always with me where ever I go. I just have to use it. I love it.
|
|
| healing of the body! |
[01 Aug 2003|02:46pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 determined |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
capoeira songs |
] |
You are always trying to control your body, that's why you get sick. Let the body do its own thing and it'll heal itself. Or better you discover that it was never sick in the first place and it can't get sick if I don't put all my expectations on it. In fear you expect; in love you accept (or respect)!
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
kixbxrgrl's journal